Only If
by Stars in a Shoebox
Summary: It wasn't his fault, really, but he still felt like a horrible person. If Nobodies could feel, that was. AxelDemyx AxelRoxas YAOI One-shot


Demyx felt like a horrible person.

Not just a horrible person, but a horrible, terrible, evil person.

It wasn't his fault, not really, but he couldn't help it.

Everything had been fine until _he'd_ come along. Everything had been perfectly, wonderfully fine, more fine than the Nocturne had ever hoped it would be.

He'd been the closest a Nobody with no feelings or heart or anything could be to happiness.

They hadn't been very big when it had started, him being the latest member. After Axel. _God,_ Axel. The Flurry of Dancing Flames had come up to him his first day there, when he'd been new and afraid and sad because there was a big, gaping hole in his chest where his heart had been, and made it better.

"Come to my room," He'd said in that lovely drawling voice of his head, like music, jazz, Demyx had always thought, "and we'll see what we can do about that hole, hm?"

Demyx hadn't a clue what he'd been getting himself into, but in sad desperation he'd agreed, certain that anything was better than the hole in his chest.

And oh, was it. Axel had been so sexy, so alluring, and Demyx had ended up staying in Axel's room the rest of the night and most of the next morning, forgetting the new pains in the most pleasurable ways imaginable.

When he'd woken up, ass pleasantly sore, mind hazy, and body sticky, the first thing he'd seen was Axel's sleeping face. He'd looked much less devious and much more innocent, fiery red hair brushing tattooed cheeks, brilliant green eyes shuttered, equally fiery lashes brushing against porcelain skin.

If Nobodies could love, Demyx was sure that that was the moment he would have fallen. Hard. As it was, Nobodies were still incapable of love (and just about everything else) so his reaction that morning still had Demyx puzzled. At any rate, some warm, wonderful tingly feeling had swept through his entire body when Axel had stirred, blinking open hazy emerald eyes and giving Demyx the sweetest smile he'd ever seen.

"Hey, beautiful," he'd greeted, and though it was the cheesiest line the Nocturne had _ever_ heard, it had still filled his not-really heart with that same tingly feeling and Demyx had responded with a giddy, "Hey."

They'd been utterly inseparable after that. The only reason Demyx had ever, ever gone to his room was to fetch all his stuff and place it into Axel's, and they'd become roommates. The Superior's hopes for Demyx had been dashed as soon as he'd started to go gleefully along with Axel's wild schemes and even started to help come up with them.

Together, they'd hidden all of Zexion's favorite books in Saix's room and made the smaller Nobody dance around the castle naked before they'd retrieve them. Demyx had liked that part; Zexion naked was a lovely sight. Axel's naked body still owned it completely, though. Nothing would ever change that.

Demyx's music had gone through the roof. He'd been writing songs almost every day, sometimes twice a day, because his fiery lover, if Axel could be called that, was just so damn inspirational. The best part was that Axel had actually listened to his songs instead of just brushing him off and calling him a child like all the others did.

Axel showed him all the ways of being a Nobody and by the time more people were recruited, Demyx at least felt he was an expert. Not as much as Axel, though. The Flurry seemed to know all the secrets there were to know. He'd spent long nights showing Demyx all the best places to transport to for all the best reasons, from spying to getting great food to beautiful, inspiring views.

He'd even shown Demyx his special spot on top of the castle, on the highest parapet. From there one could look out and see the whole of the World That Never Was, all its beautiful mindless shapes and shifting colors and steep drop-offs and one only had to look up to see all the other worlds in existence. They'd made love on top of that parapet and it was the most wonderful experience Demyx could remember in his short time as a Nobody.

In return, the castle was destroyed less and less. Lexaeus had made the observation that Demyx centered Axel, made him more sane, and Demyx had felt like he was on top of the world. He'd done something for his precious Flurry and it made him feel better than anything.

When he was with Axel, it was very easy to forget that he had no heart. Even when the nightmares would come, memories of his old life, dreams of being swallowed by the hole in his chest, Kingdom Hearts failing to give him a heart, Axel had been there. Telling him that it was okay, that they'd all had those dreams, that they were normal and that Demyx was not a baby for waking up in tears.

Demyx had felt like he was on top of the world. Like he didn't need Kingdom Hearts as long as he had Axel, because Axel _was_ his heart.

And then he'd come.

Number XIII, the last member of the Organization. Roxas. The Key of Destiny.

And he'd stolen Axel away with his pouty lips and sad blue eyes and innocent loneliness.

At first Demyx hadn't realized it, and had been just as accepting of Roxas as everyone else. He'd helped their newest member with his nightmares and shown him around just like Axel had. And Roxas' guileless charm and obvious lingering sadness had drawn him in as strongly as it had drawn in everyone else. Including Axel.

And then, one night, it became clear as the crystals which lay scattered about The World That Never Was.

Demyx had been wandering the castle, trying to find Axel because he had been sleeping on one of the redhead's shirts and these days, just Axel's _scent_ could make him ache for the Flurry. So he'd set off to find his lover for a bit of fun.

He'd not been in his room, which wasn't that unusual. Axel tried to spend as little alone time in that room as he could. He hadn't been in the kitchen, or the common room in the center of the castle, there was no meeting and Demyx had checked, the redhead wasn't in there. He wasn't in the Superior's office because Xemnas was at Hollow Bastion again with Saix, which told Demyx that the Diviner hadn't finally eaten Axel for stealing one too many of his things.

Which left only one plausible place, since Vexen hadn't screamed in a few good hours, meaning Axel wasn't down there again. Dutifully Demyx had headed up to their special spot, expecting his lover to greet him with a sexy grin and some sarcastic remark about the tightness of his pants.

Axel was there alright. But he wasn't alone. Roxas was sitting there with him, gazing up at the sky above him and all its worlds. A blue stick of ice cream dangled from his lips, a matching one held loosely in Axel's hand. The redhead was pointing up at all the different worlds, and from what it sounded like, they trying to guess which was which.

In retrospect, it really wasn't that bad. So Axel had taken someone else to their spot. It just meant that he'd accepted Roxas into their group.

But to Demyx it had felt like the worst betrayal of all. He'd fled down the stairs without a sound, tears streaming from his eyes. He'd realized belatedly that he really could have just used a portal to get out of there more quickly, but whatever. Demyx also hadn't known nothingness could feel like it was being ripped into shreds, but apparently…

Axel didn't come to their room that night. A small peek had told Demyx that he was still on the parapet with Roxas, the smaller Nobody asleep on his lover's lap. Demyx had never seen such a tender expression on his Flurry's face as he'd stroked long, thin fingers through Roxas' unruly blonde locks.

Demyx had felt as though he was becoming a Nobody all over again.

Everyone had noticed his downheartedness over the next few weeks, even Roxas and Axel. He'd begun to spend more time in his own room, slowly moving all his things back into it. The nightmares, which Axel had finally managed to drive away, came back, and Demyx was left to cry, all alone in what seemed to be an unfamiliar place in the castle.

He'd spent fewer and fewer nights with his lover until finally, all of Demyx's things had been moved to his own room and he spent little to no time with the other nobody. Axel and Roxas grew closer while the Nocturne was left to fade into the shadows, humming the only song he could think of: the song he'd written for Axel as an anniversary present. Their one year. Axel's eyes had filled with the Nobody equivalent of love and he'd kissed Demyx like he never had before. They'd spent the rest of the night in the Spot, loving each other until their energy was gone.

Demyx's songs had dried up and he went about the days morosely, avoiding Axel and Roxas as best he could. If he did encounter them, a cheerful, vacant smile would plaster itself on his face and mindless, meaningless chatter would escape his mouth until Axel patted him on the head and dragged Roxas off to do something private. He hadn't thought to go to someone else for comfort. No one could make him feel as Axel did.

Then things had started to change again. Roxas had begun to spend less time with Axel and more time up on the parapet, alone. Demyx, seeing his opportunity, had jumped back in to comfort the Flurry one night when he'd been mourning the other blonde's absence. They'd had sex, just like old times, and for a bit, Demyx had felt happiness return. And then Axel had groaned Roxas' name, not his, when coming, and Demyx had felt that fragile hole shatter all over again. He'd not said anything, just turned around, let Axel hug him sleepily, and let his tears flow unhindered into the pillow in front of him.

One day, Axel and Roxas had disappeared. Not disappeared like gone to another world, but disappeared like no trace of either's presence. None of the thin threads which bound them as an Organization led to Axel and Roxas. But no one had felt their end, so they hadn't died. They just weren't there, either.

Demyx had only been able to sit around worriedly, for no matter how far apart he and Axel had grown, the love or whatever the Nobody equivalent was he'd grown to harbor for the Flurry hadn't disappeared.

He'd waited until what they'd decided were odd hours of the morning, since there really wasn't _time_ in the World That Never Was. And finally, finally Axel had returned.

And he'd looked worse than Demyx had ever, ever seen him, even after a particularly bad nightmare about Axel's apparently tumultuous past. "He's gone." Was all that the Flurry had muttered, before heading up to the parapet. Demyx had followed, but upon seeing Axel's expression, one which he'd long ago learned meant to leave him the hell alone, had left again.

He hadn't learned what happened until the next day, when Xemnas had called together a meeting which Axel was mysteriously absent from to tell them that their Key of Destiny, Roxas, had deserted the Organization.

And that was when Demyx had decided that he was a horrible person. Because although everyone else greeted this news with gasps of shock and horror, because Roxas was important to their plan, Demyx felt an odd sense of relief.

Relief that Roxas was gone. With Roxas gone he'd have Axel back. Those fiery smiles and slow, sultry smirks would be directed at him again, not at a small, pouty blonde, and for the first time in months, Demyx could swear he felt happiness again.

If Nobodies felt at all, that was.


End file.
